For English, we had to write a narrative satirizing what's wrong with humanity, basically. So, here it is.
A History of Macabre Deaths
By Katie Welch
The Curious Case of John Humän
It was a day like any other for John Humän. His usual routine consisted of; waking up after noon, ordering pizza, watching television on the sofa, and sleeping. To say that John Humän committed the sin of Sloth every day would be an understatement. Some say to waste a life is a crime, well, in this case, that may not be the only crime that's being committed. John Humän lived in the lively little city, Townsville, Colorado. He had no living family, no friends, and no pets. No one to claim the body, in other words. I have obtained the police report pertaining to this case, it's printed in it's entirety, in the following pages.
Police Report #145317:
Involuntary Manslaughter
Victim: John Humän
Description: Caucasian Male, 21 years of age
Report based on video evidence confiscated from suspects.
3:56 A.M. March 27, 2010
John Humän is sitting on the sofa in front of the television. He has drunk a few 6-packs of beer. He promptly passes out.
12:03 P.M. March 27,2010
A shrill screaming on the television awakes John Humän. He sits up and flips the channel. The couch he is seated upon is patchwork with bare springs poking out. He pick up a Coca-Cola can from the coffee table sitting in front of the sofa and urinates into it. He puts the coke can back on the table and the camera zooms to a plate. He picks up the small plate and we see that is has a dozen moldy, cheesy, nacho chips on it. He shoves a few into his mouth. He picks up the remote and flips the channel once again.
1:17 P.M. March 27, 2010
John Humän calls Pizza Hut.
2:32 P.M. March 27,2010
The deliveryman arrives, but John Humän cannot get up from the couch. He yells for the pizza boy to enter. The pizza boy refuses, saying its against company policy. The camera switches to an outside view of the pizza boy leaving.
1:17 P.M. March 28,2010
His stomach audibly growls. He tries to call someone, but the phone must be dead, because he throws the phone across the room. The camera follows its course and stops when it hits the wall, shattered. He flips the channel to a reality television show called Survivor™ and the viewer hears about the show hosting an eight-day marathon. The camera zooms on his face and he licks his visibly cracked lips.
8:23 P.M March 29, 2010
John Humän wakes up and once again tries to stand. He fails and begins to scream.
10:14 P.M. March 29, 2010
He begins vomiting and holding his head.
11:53 P.M. March 29, 2010
John Humän picks up the Coca-Cola can that he urinated into and drinks from it.
9:35 A.M. March 30, 2010
John Humän wakes up, moaning. He is shaking, sweating, and rubbing his arms and upper thighs. He vomits again.
12:04 P.M. March 30,2010
He continues watching the Survivor™ marathon. Occasionally he yells at the screen and talks to his mother.
5:37 P.M. March 30, 2010
John Humän wakes up sweating and laughing. He yanks his shirt off and the camera zooms in on his face. His eyes and sunken in and his lips are cracked and bleeding. The camera pans down to his boxer-clad legs and zooms in on the back of his knee. Here the viewer sees that John Humän's legs have somehow fused with the upholstery on the sofa.
9:48 P.M. March 30, 2010
John Humän faints.
10:58 P.M. March 30, 2010
John Humän wakes up. He tries to stand and begins screaming. The camera zooms to the backs of his upper thighs. There is torn flesh and streaming blood on them. The color of the couch darkens. He faints again.
11:42 P.M. March 30, 2010
John Humän is still asleep. The camera zooms to his chest and the viewer sees his shallow breathing. Panning up to his face, we see his sunken and bruised eye sockets. He wakes after a bout of cheering from the Survivor™ marathon. He has a coughing fit and passes out again.
6:31 A.M. March 31, 2010
John Humän is still sleeping. His tongue protrudes from his mouth. His leg muscles are twitching.
8:45 A.M. March 31, 2010
John Humän begins convulsing. The camera zooms on his face and the viewer sees his jaw clamp shut on his protruding tongue. The camera pans as a portion of his tongue falls into his lap.
8:48 A.M. March 31, 2010
His seizure ends. He falls back and passes out.
11:47 P.M. March 31, 2010
John Humän is still asleep. The camera zooms in on his chest. The viewer can see his shallow breathing. The camera pans to show his pale face.
6: 32 P.M. April 1, 2010
The camera zooms to show John Humän’s chest again. The viewer sees his chest rise and fall. There is not another rise to his chest. The camera shuts off.
7:43 P.M. April 6, 2010
The police department received a call from a FedEx deliveryman. He stated there was a putrid odor coming from the victim’s house.
Other important facts
When police arrived on the scene, they found John Humän’s rotting body fused to his living room sofa. In the investigation of the crime scene, officers found several cameras placed around the house. After investigating the origins of the cameras, police traced it to Fox Broadcasting Company.
Epilogue: John Humän
A truly sensational case like this has to make us wonder, what would I do in a situation such as this? What length would you go to in order to survive? Scientists never figured out exactly how John Humän's legs became fused to the couch he sat upon every single day. As for the camera's placed through out the house, police traced them to an employee of Fox Broadcasting Company, named Jane Human. Jane Human had been indicted on involuntary manslaughter in the first degree. She is currently residing in Colorado State Penitentiary.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
anxious
sick
irritated
mellow